Thu 11:59 PM
Subject: 1999 Darwin

I truly look forward to these each year...

> > The 1999 Darwin Awards
> > The true high point of the year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999
> > Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully
> > aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and
> > posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human
> > gene pool by removing themselves from it.
> >
> > GRAVITY KILLS
> > A 22-year-old Reston, Va., man was found dead after he tried to use
> > luggage straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to
> > bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax
> > County, Va., police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a
> > bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
> > anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
> > jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
> > spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
> > was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was
> > greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
> > Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major
> > trauma." An autopsy was scheduled for later in the week.
> >
> > LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
> > Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of
> > July holiday and apparently wanted to test fire some fireworks.
> > Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating
> > arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel
> > distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
> > producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several
> > hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their
> > respective seats.
> >
> > DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
> > A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a
> > lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately
> > headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the
> > rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual
> > stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted:
> > "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered.
> > The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike
> > with minor burns.
> >
> > CATCH!
> > A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. "Big deal" you may
> > say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems
> > he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess
> > what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards
> > candidate) was hospitalized.
> >
> > GIMME A LIGHT!
> > In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed
> > the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
> > extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.
> > After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
> > company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
> > had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
> > the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of
> > the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object
> > that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object,
> > the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
> > miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
> > was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was
> > suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as
> > "bright" by his peers.
> >
> > THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
> > Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
> > nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from South Korea who was
> > killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual
> > walking and talking when he walked into a tree and managed to
> > somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide
> > to drive and dial at the same time.
> >
> > AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA
> > Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed
> > early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure.
> > He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
> > telecommunications feed. Baker had been suspended on a safety
> > violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal
> > Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier
> > infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff switch and entering a
> > restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the
> > microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he
> > could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where
> > winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero Fahrenheit (which
> > also is forty below zero Celsius). Microwaves can heat water
> > molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in
> > microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a
> > twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned
> > directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not
> > been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that
> > night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance
> > calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime
> > watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a
> > Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise.
> > Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
> > unfinished beers had exploded.
> >
> > HONORABLE MENTION (He did not succeed in dying, but made a strong
> > effort) A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a
> > difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African
> > Safari (a zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg,
> > Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many
> > marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of Crazy Glue... the hard
> > way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the
> > adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms
> > of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing
> > rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the thirteen years, was
> > not startled initially, as it has been part of the petting exhibit
> > since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its
> > being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran
> > around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended
> > passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She
> > had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some
> > depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.Demuth played his juvenile
> > prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two
> > fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small
> > animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and
> > one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of
> > medics and zoo caretakers to remove his hands from her buttocks.
> > First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However,
> > during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth
> > was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It
> > was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield
> > our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say
> > that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under
> > control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air
> > passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and
> > apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. I
> > don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."
> > Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed
> > with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my
> > children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented
> > Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
> >
> > ADDENDUM -- (Not herself a Darwin Award candidate, but of note in
> > our list of stupid and morbid events)
> >
> > CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
> > "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient
> > dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the
> > Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There
> > was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on
> > the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial
> > infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries
> > have now revealed the cause of these deaths... It seems that every
> > Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug
> > that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor
> > polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business." "When
> > she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine
> > back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could
> > not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the
> > whirring of her polisher..." "We are sorry, and have sent a strong
> > letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health
> > and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an
> > extra socket so there should be no repetition of this incident. The
> > inquiry is now closed." (Interview taken from theCape Times
> > newspaper).
> >
> ------- End of forwarded message -------
>

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